The last three weeks have been really tough for me emotionally. I have wrestled with writing Mondays with Mom because I have felt so raw.
Mother’s Day was tough. I saw many stories on social media Mother’s Day about wonderful mothers or missed mothers who have gone on. It was one of Mom’s favorite holidays. Dad always gets her roses and chocolate and loves on her big time. On Mother’s Day this year, she wasn’t anywhere near our world. Yes, she was sitting there and occasionally she would smile, but the conversation was impossible. When my siblings called, she could not connect to them either. Dad and I were sitting right beside her and couldn’t get the fog to lift. The roses and chocolates were barely noticed.
This is such a difficult place for me. I miss Mom so much. Sometimes I see glimpses of her sweet personality, but most hours of the day she’s lost to me. I feel her loss keenly now and wonder how much more I will miss her after she’s gone. She seems to be in no man’s land – stuck between life and death.
I’ve spent many past articles describing Mom to those who may not know her. For those of you who do, you remember she was a bright, colorful, vivacious woman. After years of sitting by her side and watching her fade away, I have a hard time holding onto the memories of her being healthy and whole and losing those memories breaks my heart. I understand from others who have gone through a similar path that the memories return once the caregiving is over. I want to remember her as she was instead of as she is now.
My daughter, Julia, graduated from high school two weeks ago. Mom and Dad weren’t able to be present with us at the graduation. Mom would have loved it; she was the one who made me walk at my own graduation when I balked. Until she became too frail, I believe Mom and Dad went to all high school and college graduations for their grandchildren.
High school and college graduation pictures are all over social media now. Each picture with a grandparent brings an extra stab to my heart. Wedding season will do the same. I know I’m in a wistful, wishful place right now, but I can’t seem to shake it.
I know I’m not alone. Perhaps you are living through a similar season. I just keep remembering my favorite (partial) verse: “And it came to pass.” We’ll hang on.
