The title of a recent article in Time magazine caught my eye. The Viewpoint article was called, “Searching for a soul mate is futile. The ideal partner is the one you create.” The author, Ada Calhoun, writes a compelling article against the idea of each person finding a soul mate. Calhoun argues that the odds are stacked against ever meeting one’s soul mate, if such a person even exists. Better to spend the time, patience, and commitment to develop one’s partner into a suitable mate.
I have watched my parents closely to understand their longevity in love. They rarely argued (at least not in front of me) although bickering happened. They always kissed hello and goodbye. They still hold hands. Without ever consciously considering it, I chose a man to marry who is very much like my father in all the important ways. Although my husband and my dad have very different temperaments, their morals, commitments, and dedication are almost identical. Their skill sets couldn’t be more diverse, but their values and principles are closely aligned.
I often look a couples who have been together for forty or fifty years and wonder what makes them tick. What sort of magic drew them together and how hard did they have to work to keep their marriages together? Surely life in this imperfect world tries to tear them apart.
Mom and Dad have a beautiful beginning to their life together. It’s crazy and romantic and my favorite love story ever. It really is magical.
Dad was in supply at Fort Bragg, North Carolina. In the fall of 1950, he had gotten behind on some typing and Mom was assigned to help him. Dad said she wasn’t very keen on helping him, but she did it and they caught his records up quickly. A few months later on March 6th, Dad wanted to go dancing and he asked Mom to go with him. She didn’t remember him from their previous acquaintance but went anyway. That night, she told her roommate that she’d met the man she was going to marry. Dad was pretty smitten too, but the only problem was that his mother, my grandmother, had chosen another woman back home for him. He went home to see her on the weekends and would see Mom during the week. Finally, Mom told him he had to break it off with the other girl – she wanted him to stay on base and be with her all week.
Theirs was truly a whirlwind romance. After only three months, Dad proposed in late May and they married at the base chapel two weeks later on June 4. In September, Dad was going to be assigned to Okinawa and Mom was not to be left behind! Dad went ahead on an Air Force plane. Mom couldn’t continue her Air Force job so she got one with the Army to get assigned to Okinawa, too. She drove across country to San Francisco to board a boat and follow him. Once there, they slept on a military cot and shared their tiny Quonset hut with another couple.
I can only imagine how this must have seemed to their friends. I’m sure their families thought they’d lost their minds. Surely this crazy, impetuous love affair was doomed. How could their friends and family have seen then that this was a love affair that would last almost 66 years and more?
Recently Dad and I found some beautiful family photographs. Some were just Mom and Dad, then with the family of four, then the family of five, and, finally, the six of us. Dad became quite emotional. He said, “That’s a good looking family right there, don’t you think? We had a beautiful life together. I would do it all over again if I could.”
I know they struggled with finances, jobs, children, health, extended family, and now this awful disease. “I would do it all over again if I could.” Dad is so devoted even now. He adores her. Although dementia has altered her so much and her physical form is completely changed, it doesn’t matter to him. He’s still crazy about her.
I think if Ada Calhoun ever met my parents, she’d understand that there really are soul mates.
