At Mom’s visit to the doctor last week, we learned the treatment is not working yet on her arm. He is skeptical the bone will ever connect, and it was quite a blow to our hopes. We were trying to hold onto optimism, but I’m certain the disappointment was written all over our faces.
We asked about other options and spent the next few days going over the possibilities. Disappointment was evident in all our discussions. Of course, life is full of disappointment, but usually I usually get past it pretty easily. This time was so pervasive, however, it was present in other compartments of my life.
My ability to cope with all that I do depends upon being fully present in whatever situation I’m in. Since I juggle several different jobs, I can usually set aside the other responsibilities in order to cope with the task at hand. Usually. This past week was different because I was thinking of Mom and Dad in every activity. I was playing the doctor’s words over and over.
One of my favorite professors in college called this ruminating thought process “the hamster’s wheel.” He said our mind starts spinning and spinning, and we won’t get anywhere until we mentally take the hamster off the wheel and refocus our thoughts. I tried so many times to move my hamster off the wheel but found it impossible. I felt like the world was spinning around me.
Finally, on Saturday, things shifted. I had been cleaning out and organizing the world around me as if I could make things better for Mom with my frenetic pace. I finally realized nothing had changed for her last week. She didn’t register the disappointment. She was still nurtured and loved and comfortable. We are so blessed with excellent caregivers who take wonderful care of her. We had been thinking that her life would improve dramatically with the arm mended. Perhaps she would be able to feed herself and brush her teeth again, but we don’t mind doing those things for her. She still wouldn’t be able to walk alone again even if her arm were to heal. I think our hopes that most of her ability would return were simply too high. Letting go of those hopes was unbelievably difficult.
Disappointment is a curious thing. The dictionary calls it “the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.” We have certainly been feeling an overwhelming sadness to the news from last week. Thankfully, feelings can change. I am grateful my parents always encouraged me to look on the bright side and think things through. Mom used to sing the ultimate optimistic song:
Grab your coat and get your hat
Leave your worry on the doorstep
Just direct your feet to the sunny side of the street.
Can’t you hear a pitter-pat?
And that happy tune is your step
Life can be so sweet on the sunny side of the street.
(Listen to Ella Fitzgerald sing it here.)
