So, on this holiday where we celebrate our nation’s independence, I’m actually thinking a lot about the opposite – dependence. Not in a national light, but in a very personal way. I’m watching as my mom is losing more and more of her independence and is leaning on us for every part of her existence. Since her dominant hand is in a heavy cast, she cannot use her right hand for eating or brushing her teeth. She wants to use that hand and cannot remember that it won’t reach to her mouth.
As a daughter, it’s hard to watch Mom struggle. I didn’t mind watching my children struggle as they learned new skills. I could assist and wait in order for them to learn. Struggle and practice are part of learning independence, but it is the opposite for Mom. She is not learning new skills. For most of us, we would learn how to compensate for a broken arm – using our left hand to eat and brush our teeth. Mom can’t remember so each task is explained anew. She doesn’t remember how to stand on her own. Each time, we go through the same explanation as last time. “Mom, put your left hand here.” “Mom, you need to keep your feet on the ground.” “Ok, Mom, now you need to lean forward.”
It’s hard for Mom to be dependent. I don’t know how much she remembers from life before dementia, but she was a very independent woman. When I returned to Clarkesville with my family in 2001, I thought it was funny that Mom and Dad would run their errands at different times, even if they were going to the same place. Dad liked to go to Walmart in the morning. Mom would go in the afternoon. I remember thinking how crazy that was. They both liked to drive and be in charge of their own schedule. She would visit her friends or go out to lunch.
She taught Sunday school. She was secretary for the Homemaker’s group. She was part of the Baptist Women’s Union. She sang in the church choir and community choirs. She was always on the go. It took a traumatic event to take her keys away; in 2008, she had a wreck that totaled her van. That was the end of her driving independence. She still had a chauffeur who would take her wherever she wanted to go. Dad would drive them wherever she wanted – sometimes day trips or quick overnights. I would take her shopping occasionally. She was very independent in her walking and her thinking.
Gradually over the last years, she’s become more and more dependent on Dad or me. We would still go out for her to walk at the aquatic center or shop. She was still very social and thrived on seeing new folks. As the dementia took over more and more of her mind, places became confusing to her. Then, as her mobility decreased, so did her confidence in going places.
I consider myself to be a strong, independent woman. I am my mother’s daughter for certain. She and Daddy brought up four very independent kids. I am grateful for a strong example of dedication and independence in both my parents. And I mourn the loss of it for Mom.
