Each week, I have the honor of talking about Mom and sharing part of her story. When I go back and read past entries, I notice how much has changed and how much is still the same in our caregiving. Today Mom is in a bit of a daydream that pulls her in and out of the physical world. When she’s like this, it gives me a lot of time to think.
I’ve been thinking of Esther these past two weeks. She’s the topic of my upcoming sermon so I’ve spent more time in her book than any other portion of scripture lately. I’ve read some verses over and over and they keep getting stuck in my head. “For such a time as this” is the most recognized part of Esther for many of us, but today it is the next verse that is running through my mind:
I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish.
Thy will be done. Did you read it, too? Although Esther is communicating with Mordecai, her older cousin and guardian, those words are echoing through time. As I tend Mom’s needs and care for her, I simply place her life and my life into the same. Each day, Thy will be done. Thy will for her life and Thy will for my life.
It’s hard. Caregiving is hard and emotionally wringing. It takes time away from family and friends and fun things. It takes energy and stamina. I do feel like I’m here at this place for such a time as this, but it’s hard for me to keep saying “Thy will be done.” In many ways I feel as though I’m in limbo. I’m waiting for His will to be done. But what is His will for my life? For Mom’s life?
When I see people who know about Mom, they often ask me how she’s doing and I’ll say “the same.” Yes, things are changing subtly, but it’s not the big things. Mom’s still lucid a good bit of the time and can communicate. Her arm is still broken and we are still treating it with the ultrasound every day at 1:00. Her knee still hurts and she doesn’t like to walk. She requires 24/7 care and we still have 3 precious, wonderful caregivers who help Dad and me.
Is this holding pattern part of God’s will being done? Is His will being done in the small, daily tasks of living and caregiving? How much of Esther’s story was in the small, daily things not even mentioned which prepared her for the crossroads of deciding to go before the king? Is it being faithful while waiting? Is it adjusting my schedule and time to be ready for whatever service I’m called to do? Is it ignoring my willful desire to run away(!) or become lazy? Is it trusting God has a plan here at Mom and Dad’s, and I’m part of His will for this time and place?
Thy will be done. As part of the Lord’s prayer, we say those words each week at my church. Many times I’ll confess to saying the words without really thinking about it. Right now, however, those words are hanging heavy in my life. Currently on the radio, there is a song by the lead singer of the group Lady Antebellum, Hillary Scott. She has made a solo album with her family and the recording is playing on the Christian radio station. It’s amazing how a song can reach right to where you are. You can listen here.
I know you see me. I know you hear me, Lord.
Your plans are for me. Goodness you have in store.
Thy will be done. Today and every day.
