My name is Emily and I have had the honor of being friends with Donna James for 13 years. When I first met her mom Ruth, she was still so vibrant, as vibrant as the color purple she loved to wear. I remember like it was yesterday how her spirit that could capture a room. Ruth and I met through community choir when we sat together and drove Donna crazy (it is a choir member’s job, you see, to keep the choir director on her toes). Ruth was funny and sharp as a tack. She loved music and her love of life shone through while she was singing on Tuesday nights. She loved to wear the color purple, and you could tell part of her purpose was brought to light on Tuesday nights.
Over the years, Ruth became unable to participate in choir. It broke my heart to have her missing from my side, but it broke my heart more that this important part of her life was no longer. That is what dementia does- it steals the important things.
As Ruth’s condition has worsened, I have watched Donna, my friend, sacrifice many areas of her life as she lives out Ephesians 6:1-3: Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Donna has rearranged her whole life to take on the role as a caregiver for her mother. She has given up jobs, time with her husband and children, and her sleep to honor her father and mother. What is truly remarkable is that she does so with a servant’s heart. She does not complain about what is lost, but rather she rejoices in what is gained. She realizes that time with her mom is hard but important. She also realizes the support she gives her dad makes this very difficult time a little easier for him.
Caregivers bring amazing things to a family during difficult times, but I want to focus on the friends of caregivers. We also have a very important roles. What are ways we can support our friends as they step up for this daunting task? How can we make it easier for them? I have found three things that have helped me, and I hope they do the same for you.
1) Pay attention. Pay close attention. Caregivers are selfless individuals. They sacrifice and they give of themselves. They are so wrapped up in caring for someone else that sometimes caring for themselves becomes almost nonexistent. Pay attention to how your friends are feeling. Take on the role of caregiver towards them. When they have a difficult day, whether it be a normal life problem or a step taken back by their patient (often times their parent), go to them. Surprise them with coffee and a parfait, or whatever treat of choice would lift their spirits. Spend a few minutes with them reminding them they are loved and they can do this. It only takes a few moments to notice and to step into action. They need to be reminded they are loved and being watched over too.
2) Grieve with them and above all else, LISTEN. Don’t try to fix this. We can’t. I cannot change Donna’s mom and I cannot take any of the burden off her. What I can do is listen with every fiber of my being. I can call and ask if she is ok and ask how her mom is doing. I can listen to the stories and the hard moments. I can cry with her when her mom doesn’t remember her, and I can rejoice with her when she finds joy in her mother’s singing. When we make a conscious decision to be in the moment with our friends, we are giving the best gift of all. We are validating what they are going through and their emotions.
3) Dump out. I read this great article here that encouraged you to draw a small circle on a piece of paper. In the center of the circle, write names of people who are most directly affected by what is going on. In this case, Donna, her father, and her siblings would go in the center. Draw another circle around the first ring and place the names of the people who are next closest to what is going on. This would include Donna’s husband and children, the names of her nieces and nephews, and so on. Keep drawing rings until you find where you fit. Now here is the important part: Dump out and comfort in. Comfort the people who are in smaller rings than you are. Dump out your problems and frustrations to people who are in bigger rings then you. Our caregiver friends should never be comforting us. When we feel frustration for our friend and their circumstances, we must make sure we do not add to their burdens. I know I am not perfect at this, but since seeing this visual, I have made a greater point to remember my place in the circle.
As you navigate this path, don’t forget your importance. Friends matter to this process. Be there for your caregiver friend today. Even if you do not receive an immediate response, know that your love and support matters.
