Each week as I write these articles, I always skirt around the topic of Daddy. When I began writing “Mondays with Mom,” I was very concerned with Daddy’s perspective and making certain I didn’t embarrass him or infringe upon his or Mom’s privacy. He doesn’t often read what I’ve written, but I do try to share them after my sister has had her chance to edit. He doesn’t say much about them, but I know that they are emotionally difficult for him to read.
Today Daddy is on my mind. Very often when I come in, he heads out the door to go to the lake for fishing. Somedays he stays in town and goes for his walk or out to run his errands. Occasionally there are chores to do around the house and he’ll be in and out. Most of the time, however, he’s out the door the moment I’m in. When I stayed with them last fall after his tumble off the roof, we had breakfast each morning and I really cherished that time. Although he’s often a slippery companion, I’ve tried to be more deliberate at grabbing moments with him.
I understand, of course. I spend only a few hours with Mom and I’m ready to get out to get some things done. They don’t have internet at their house so I feel sequestered there. I like to connect with people online through email or Facebook and the world feels far away. I have finally learned how to make an internet “hotspot” with my phone, but I don’t like the way it consumes data so I use it only sparingly. The hours can be very long for me at their house.
Daddy likes his music and movies and reading materials. He has music set up in each room so he can enjoy it when there’s someone else to tend to Mom. I don’t know how many movies he watches since Mom doesn’t understand and enjoy them with him. He devours books. There are lots of hours for reading. He writes letters and has recently learned to text which keeps him in closer contact with his children.
Many people are so kind in their concern about Mom, but few ask about Daddy. Some folks, mostly caregivers themselves, ask about him. They know the stress that’s on him. They know from experience how hard it is to see this progression. They also know how hard it is to take time for one’s self.
Daddy went on an overnight trip to Tennessee to see my brother last week and I spent Sunday lunch through Monday dinner with Mom. Mom doesn’t mind me staying with her overnight because she thinks I live upstairs anyways. Upon Daddy’s return, she nonchalantly welcomed him home as if he’d only been gone a few hours. I could tell it hurt him that she didn’t say more about him being gone. So I filled in the blanks: she’d asked me over and over again if “Dwight Bunn knows where I am” and she’d stayed up until almost 1 AM just wandering around and messing with her jewelry. I know she missed him although she couldn’t articulate it anymore. I was hoping to encourage him, but took it too far. He told me he just couldn’t leave her anymore. His wife should not have to wonder where he is.
It’s a fine line he walks. He needs time away – extended time sometimes. As his daughter and one of Mom’s caregivers, it’s my job to encourage him to get away. I need to reassure him that taking time is healthy and necessary. Sometimes I need that reminding myself!
So if you see him out in the community, give him an extra moment of your time. Ask about Mom and ask about him.
