I was diagnosed with clinical depression many years ago. My doctor treated me with therapy and counseling for over twenty years until one pill a day entered my life and saved it. I was one of the lucky ones.
My depression began when I was in third grade. Instead of being me, I wanted to be the girl with the shiny blond curls seated next to me. She was smart, pretty, and happy. She was only the first of many I longed to become. I never liked being me. If someone teased me, I wept for days. If a bully was mistreating someone else, I cried for the underdog. When I failed at anything, it was because I was undoubtedly a complete failure.
Suicide entered my mind many times, and at one point, I attempted it. I am brutally honest here because there is no reason not to be. Becoming transparent is how we help those who suffer and who wish they were anyone else but themselves. Depression creates pure hopelessness, and life is viewed behind a veil of sorrow and gloom.
In 2020, multitudes were hurting. Because of the pandemic daily doses of death, isolation, and loss of income and normality played mental havoc. Suicide, depression, and anxiety rates rose. No one was immune from the sadness of that year. The virus brought with it the harshest of stings, and its poison affected us all.
However, for those who were already enduring depression, it was far worse. One day, in the middle of that hard year, the blue depression monster jumped in front of my computer. I was preparing to write my column, but as I stared at the blank page, my first thought was, “Why?”
Why was I writing? The world was sick and angry. Pessimism had risen to a new level, and those hard-headed, political, name-calling, divisive folks were driving me crazy! When I went to a store that required safety protocols and noticed a customer stroll by with no mask, who seemed to not care about others, they caused me to question the world’s fate. So why write? It was hopeless. Why talk about the kindness and goodness of God? It is hopeless. Why write about love when such selfish hate seemed rampant? Why?
I wrote a note to one of my editors. “Is it time for me to put the pen down?”
Then, as if a magic wand of reason were waved, a reader emailed me after reading a recent column, “Keep writing and being the voice of love and peace. You are deeply appreciated.” A stranger who had no idea I was ready to quit.
The blue monster faded away, words formed on the blank screen, and the hand of God calmed my soul. Once we recognize our purpose, we become what our creator intended us to be. Hopelessness fades to bravery, death fades to living, and we accept who we are and why.
When we deliver unselfish, caring behavior to others, we become instruments of service to all. Those who watch the world through the fog of depression and only hear the angry and judgmental voices lose confidence in living. God really does want us to care about the people we share this earth with. He knows those who grieve, and he calls on all of us to render aid.
Everything we do is visible. When we promote negativity, we damage others. We whisper, judge, and wonder why folks would die by their own hand. Yet, we never ask ourselves if we had a hand in their death by taking away their faith in mankind. Has our self-indulgence prevented us from hearing the cries of those who have experienced profound loss? Are we guilty of spreading doubt, hopelessness, pessimism, or rage?
For those of you who are suffering, who would rather be anyone else but you, I urge you to hear my words: There is no one better than you. Each person was made by God to fulfill a mission. Today, you may not know what your mission is, but one day it will become crystal clear. Do not buy into the messages given by the world’s bullies, the naysayers, and the name-callers because they do nothing except hurt. You must never believe there are no good, decent folks bearing kindness, compassion, and love left because there are. These are the folks who heed God’s explicit instruction to “love one another.”
Do I wish I were someone else still? Some days I do, but I also realize if I were someone else, I might not be strong enough to fight for those who want to be someone other than their valuable selves.
NATIONAL SUICIDE & CRISIS LIFELINE: If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org
