At 2:18 p.m. today my son Daniel turned 16 years old. Wow! It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that this young boy I once cradled in my arms and sang lullabies to is now a young man I have to tip-toe to kiss and text to get his attention. Life has changed…us both.
When Daniel was born I was career-minded. The most important thing to me at that point in my life was what I was doing and where I was going. I missed a lot of scenery in life as I rushed from one opportunity to the next. So many of the people I met and places I went are now nothing more than a blur. Several who did grab my attention and heart along the way are now gone. Some are lost to me because of the different paths in life that we chose; some are lost to me because of the path heaven chose. I learned early on death is no respecter of age and loving someone can’t always keep them from leaving. In fact, it’s because we love them that their absence in our lives lingers. They die or move on in life without us and we are never really the same.
That’s why this birthday is so hard. Not that I fear my son is dying – we’ve faced that fear and won – it’s that he’s now just two years away from adulthood and all of the longing and leaving that stage in life brings.
READ: Tears of Joy for My ‘Not So Little’ Boy
Daniel is two years away from college, starting a career and maybe one day, a family. Whatever adulthood has in store for him it’s now closer than ever and I’m missing him already.
I know I shouldn’t waste the time I have left raising my son dreading the day that he leaves, but letting him go will be hard.
For sixteen years this whimsical, magical, talented, curious, challenging, smart, ginger-headed boy has been a part of my life. In many ways, he’s become my life. His schedule has become my schedule — school drop-off, parent pick-up, soccer, t-ball, basketball, football games, parties and theater. His wants have become my wants — Disney World, magic sets, golf clubs, tennis shoes, puppies and a new car. His dreams have become my dreams — health, happiness, success, a sense of belonging and a new car (What can I say, he wants a new car. He just turned 16!)
I’ve learned that no matter how mad my son makes me — no matter how selfish, self-absorbed, aloof or rebellious a teen he might be — there is nothing he could ever do that would keep me from loving him. And with that love comes the pain of knowing that one day he will leave.
It might not happen all at once, it might be over a period of months or even years, but it will happen one day because it must. My son is my heart but his life is his own. God gave it to him for a purpose and the last thing I would ever do is stand in the way of that purpose.
So, today as I watched the clock turn to 2:18 p.m., it was with a mixture of joy and sadness that I yelled out to Daniel, “Happy Birthday!” I went to his room and found him stretched out on his bed browsing the internet on his cellphone. A gentle smile crossed his lips and he even let me snap a quick picture. I’m glad that he did for I know the day’s not far off when, gazing upon the man he’s become, I’ll fondly look back on that photo and remember the 16 year old boy he once was.
